White House, Nov 11, 2019 – LNN (Libertarian News Network) President Sanders today announced the arrest of a major American counterfeiter who, he claimed, was behind the recent destabilization of the U.S. Dollar which has rocked the world’s currency markets, and sparked rioting in many major U.S. cities.
Los Angeles Police today arrested Alfred E. Newman, 38, homeless, at the corners of 6th and Broadway in downtown Los Angeles. Newman, when arrested, was said to comment, “What, me worry?”. Since Newman cooperated fully with the police, he had to be tasered repeatedly. “We’ve had a problem recently with people becoming violent when we detain them,” said arresting officer O.J. Kitzhaber, “and we thought it would be a good idea for the local street people to see we meant business.” “Sometimes, on this job, you have to do things you don’t like to do,” he added with a chuckle.
Newman is accused by Federal Authorities of counterfeiting $103billion in plastic pennies, which were introduced under President Sanders in 2017, amid the infamous budget crisis of that year. Newman cut the pennies from old plastic bottles he collected while scrounging rubbish heaps in the downtown area, intaglioed each one with the image of Lincoln with his old Bowie knife, and then painted them by hand with a combination of rust collected from old building sites, and his own sweat. “I did it to feed my old dog Pete, my one friend in the world,” he shamefacedly admitted before the Press.
Newman’s scheduled execution by vivisection will be performed November 22nd by a trained team from the UCLA Medical Center. “Though his dispatch will be gruesome, the knowledge we gain will go far towards finding a cure for Keynesianism,” said chief physican, Dr. Scabrus Kitzhaber. (editors note: no relation to Officer Kitzhaber.)
The event will also be televised by CNN and Fox, and Mayor Yorty’s coffin is being disinterred so that he can comment on the proceedings.